Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
