Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
