Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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