I was born with a shot glass in my hand
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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