I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I want her autograph on my taint
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize