I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
