So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
