First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
