I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
