I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
