Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
