she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
