I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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