I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
