my phone needs a breathalizer
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
