Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
