batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
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Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
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Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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