i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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