I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
