WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
