If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
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I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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