I take back everything I said about communal showers
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
