Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
