Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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