wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
