Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
