i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
