If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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