Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
This girl is more easily done than said...
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
