went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
