Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
