I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
