If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
