i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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