i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
