Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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