my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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