Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
