saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
