I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
