Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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