I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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