I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.