i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!