I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
25 Men Talk About the First Time They Went Down On A Woman
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
23 Ex Fraternity Brothers & Sorority Sisters Confess Their Most Insane Stories
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina