this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying