I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
