Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
