i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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