i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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