You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
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She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
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Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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