I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
