thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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