where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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