Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
