shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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